Tormented Fight, Depressive Life & Our Dark Light.

 Every single action is constituted by an ever-increasing, finely tuned conflict of micro-interests. 

Each part of my body is energetically made up of microparts, one fighting against the other.

Muscular pain, radiational rib-sensations, knee irritations, chest hardenings, suffocations, stress, anger, sadness, depressiveness, inhumanization... 

All sensations are sensations of physiological WAR.

The inner-war is physio-spiritual. 

Even my euphoric sensations, even my bliss is accomplished through sensed-perpetual strife. 

Spiritual white flags are illusory. There is no escape.

Buddha-Consciousness is not an escape from this, but an elimination of egotistical resentfulness.

In contradiction to all massified-instincts, I choose to radically not resent the powers of Life and its passions.

Divine Life the Destroyer of all things...

I suffer to carry on the Traditional & Perennial torch of self-elimination.

To eliminate all deceptiveness concerning this life.

To clash against my own lies, even that requires an all-exhausting and crushing power.

There is a TRUTH beyond all historical truths...

The potential truth of a no-future... Queer negativity.

Hellish affirmation of a negativistic tendency of Life in all its senseless missions.

I experienced Hell contemplatively in tears.

But it weirdly enough energized me.

Much like my mystical experience of genderless womanhood and passiveness, becoming a cosmic-bottom, accepting the suffering-penetrations of Reality. 

There is indeed an ontological, nonpolitical reality to being Non-Binary.

All of the sufferings of my passions, which further guides me to greater existential absurdities, energize me with a purifying Fire.

Me as fire, Me as senselessness. Me as the one who submits to the senselessness of Divine Life.

Sacralizing silence and tranquility of Soul as all energies further fragmentize, push, inflict, stresses and burns...

I am sick of Life but yet seduced... I remain to live.

Like a monk annihilating his body with fire, I have eliminated so many versions of myself with the fire of the perpetual flux of Holy Vita.

Solitude, Cyber-Madness, and a Sacred, exhausting Fasting that is imposed by Life itself... I am no longer hungry. I am in pain...

All my energies struggle against "Me." All the "Me(s)" have tried their best to fight back, but all of them get eviscerated. 

Life forced me to accept defeat after defeat. Mutability of personalities and overall depersonalization are the only realities that have experienced victory, in the form of "Me."

Contradiction after contradiction, TIREDSOMENESS. My energies are emptying all of my realities.

I persist in suffering and suffering persists in the I.

There is no spiritual escape, no physical escape.

No escape from the pains of God-Consciousness.

No escape from the pains of Conscious-Life.

Even my prayers are struggles.

Yet I curse the spirit of suicidality. 

I confront and dare existence even in all the pain I have suffered so far.

The reward is in the bearing, in this painful Life-pregnancy (I dare narcissistically say I am pregnant with a marginal superhumanity) 

The reward thus experiences ITself in our natural-stoic coldness as we bear the superhuman infant.

The reward is in the depersonal-Divine experience.

The reward is an IT, not you, or me, or the collection of "Me(s)."

I confront what confronts me. 

Fragmentation... Univocal connection...

Fragmentation... Spiritual observation...

Let it purify...

Let it intensify...

Let the pain become a spiritual pleasure.

Jannah as ethereal-orgasmness.

The ethereal reality connects and is to be connected with.

Fragmentation... Spiritual calculation.

Fragmentation... Spiritual abandonment of this world, without denying the world.

There is no "Me" to deny the world...

There is no "Me" in God.

There is no "Me" to perpetuate the world.

All these forces are strong enough to perpetuate themselves without "Me."

Much like the micro-forces that perpetuate my body up to a certain point... Bodily pointlessness is a living witness of the powers "that be" in endless becoming (up until everything ends, maybe.)

Fragile endlessness...

Metaphysically vulnerable.

Fragmentation... Metaphysical deconstruction.

Fragmentation... powerlessness... Arrogant humility.

I understand why Nick Cave doesn't believe in an interventionist-God... But Life forces me to believe in a God that intervenes...

He intervenes with pain and its effective awakenings.

I can no longer sleep to this reality.

I am spiritually Imsoniac and paranoid.

I seek refuge in the God that keeps me alive in all of this horror.

I seek refuge in Allah from the whisperings of Iblees.

I seek God in all my sufferings. 

I seek God in this Life. 
Even Darkness is a Divine Light.
Even Coldness burns us alive.
I destroy the numbness... My FEELINGS keep me going.

GOD KEEPS ME GOING.